Jurassic Park meets my mind actually not
by MornieGalad
Summary: This is a spoof in which Hammond is trying to get Ian Malcolm back to a location with dinosaurs. Will he succeed?
1. Default Chapter

**Jurassic Park IV (What if)**

Disclaimer: I do not own this. I'm loco. I want a dinosaur.

It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon in Bledsoe, Texas. Ian Malcolm strolled down the street toe the church building. His wife Sarah had bribed him to help the pastor find some good music fo the youth group that Kelly was going to the next day. Ian had burned two CDs of country music songs that he absolutely loathed. His philosophy was this: anything he hated the kids would adore. Nonetheless, Ian was not looking forward to two hours of country tunes.

He reluctantly thrust the church doors open and greeted Pastor Maer, a balding man with neither a cheerful attitude nor a grim one. For the next hour and a half, the two men discussed the music, finding very few acceptable songs. Then they came to the last cut on the second CD. "I'm Free" from Footloose began playing, which puzzled Ian, because he didn't remember putting that on the tape.

"Heaven helps the man who fights T-Rex . . ." Ian Malcolm jerked his head up. Those definitely weren't the words. Then there came a knock at the church door. Pastor Maer answered it.

"Ah, Dr. Pastor I presume. How are you this fine day?" asked the man standing outside.

"Fine, I suppose, but . . ."

"Splendid! Is Dr. Malcolm here?"

"Yes, but . . ."

"Splendid, then we have everything. Would you get him to come with us, Dr. Pastor Give him this?" the man said, handing Pastor Maer a slip of paper. "I'll see you two in the car."

Pastor Maer was about to protest, but the white-haired man was already heading off to his car. He sighed, quite confused, and handed Ian the note.

"Who was that?" Ian asked as he unfolded the paper.

"I don't know."

"Don't people introduce themselves anymore?" Ian busied himself reading the note. "Kelly's gymnastics program is in Hawaii this week! Come on!" he yelled, dragging the pastor to an awaiting taxi. Once they were at the airport, their escort led them to their flight. It was only after he and the pastor were on the plane that Ian noticed they were the only passengers.

"Heaven helps the man who fights T-Rex."

"Noooo!" screamed Ian as the plane lifted off.


	2. Chapter 2

1

_Author's note: I hadn't really planned on writing a second chapter to this, but you dragged it out of me. So now I have an idea for a whole big story and it's all thanks to my reviewers. So this is my gift to you._ _This is set after the second movie and Ian Malcolm is a "changed man" in that he is at least trying a little harder to be a good father. Ironically that's what got him into this whole mess. Without further ado, the next Chappie. Trumpet blows_

**Chapter Two**

Ian Malcolm realized he was powerless until the plane landed, by which time, any resistance would be useless. What did Hammond want now, he wondered. He had tried Jurassic Park, which had failed, and still had site-B, which was still thriving. Malcolm's kidnapper had cheerily passed him multiple times, but Malcolm returned the gesture only with a scowl.

"Ian, where are we going?" asked Pastor Maer.

"We are not going to Kelly's gymnastics event, or anywhere else you would want to be. If you are permitted, I would highly advise you to stay in the plane, Pastor," Ian grumpily replied. He had barely survived the carnivorous dinosaurs twice before and possessed on desire to press his luck again.

"Now, Ian, it can't be that bad. Where are we headed?" Maer chuckled.

"We are headed into amazement, running, screaming, pain, and, I kid you not, torture and death."

"Come now, Dr. Malcolm. There is no reason to be so pessimistic on account of chaos theory," Hammond laughed. "If it were true chaos, there would be no theories." Malcolm rolled his eyes; Hammond still didn't understand.

"When will we eat?" Pastor Maer asked.

"We're almost to the island. We'll eat when the others arrive."

"Others?!"Malcolm stared at Hammond in shock. "Who?"

"The original crew, of course: You, Dr. Grant, Dr. Sattler, Timothy and Alexis." Malcolm was about to ask how Hammond had persuaded them to come and why Pastor Maer was there, but the plane began descending and he had to fumble for his seatbelt. AS it clicked, the mathematician glanced out his window to see a building below them. It had a landing platform on the top, which the airplane descended toward.

"I hate landings!" the Pastor screamed like he was on the scariest roller coaster ride in the world.

"Don't worry, we're nearly down," Hammond reassured him. Sure enough, a few seconds later, the plane's wheels hit solidly on the landing platform. Hammond rose and gave the other two a signal to stay put. He pushed a button and retracted part of the floor. Seconds later, a ladder was placed from the plane to the floor of the building.

"Shall we?" Hammond cheerfully invited. The Pastor eagerly rushed to the ladder, so Ian had to follow. The building into which the men descended was perfectly normal. The walls were a homely blue-green. They had entered into a hallway that had paintings of dinosaurs roaming in the confines of a luscious forest.

"Beautiful, aren't they?" came Hammond's voice from behind them. "Lexi did that one." He pointed to a painting of a Tyrannosaurus Rex roaring viciously against the blood-red sunrise. A shiver ran down Ian's spine. The memory of that animal chasing him was eternal torment.

"That's amazing," Pastor Maer awed.

"Yeah," Malcolm waked off into one of the rooms. He had to figure out what John Hammond was up to, other than signing six death certificates. He must have paced the room, muttering to himself, about a hundred times, and still not come up with anything. The original team . . . at site B. One thing was clear: John Hammond was purely insane and the perfect example of chaos theory.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer:The content in this story is like a T-Rex. It cannot be owned by anyone except Michael Crichton_

**Chapter 3**

About an hour after Dr. Malcolm had arrived, he heard the whirring noice of a helicopter

overhead.

"Good, they've made it!" Hammond exclaimed, rushing to open the door in the ceiling. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning, which made Ian Malcolm excessively uneasy. Whatever Hammond was planning, he was too eager for it to be safe, even in the minimalist sense of the word. Dr. Grant emerged, grumbling about how much computers hated him and vise-versal Apparently he had been attempting to ignore Lexi and Tim by doing some work, but the laptop and he had fought a decisive battle. The decisive part was that the computer would always win. Now that he was safely on the floor and away from the advanced technology, Alan Grant surveyed his surrounding.

"Where are we?" he demanded, eyeing Hammond suspiciously.

"Looks as if we all got conned into this," Malcolm commented as Hammond took the paleontologist aside to try to explain.

"Ian! It's so good to see you!" Ellie Sattler exclaimed, dropping down the ladder behind Dr. Grant. Ian managed a smile as she embraced him, but couldn't help noticeing that, as she pulled away, she was studying Dr. Grant out of the corner of her eye. Alan was busy interrogating John Hammond, but wasn't obviously wasn't getting much information. Hammond simply couldn't stop his jolly laughter. Pastor Maer was still as confused as he had been an hour ago, but that didn't stop him from befriending the two youth, a girl and a boy, who stepped out of the helicopter after Dr. Sattler. In less than two minutes they were discussing dinosaurs, much to Ian Malcolm's frustration and Hammond's delight. Groaning, the mathematician pushed his way past their captor, John Hammond to Pastor Maer.

"Pastor, the helicopter'ds here. Let's go, or we'll miss Kelly's gymnastics program."

"Oh, come now, Ian. We've only just arrived." Just as he was about to protest, Malcolm heard the sound of the helicopter lifting off. He groanded, looking on helplessly as the aircraft ascended higher and higher into the sky. Even after it had vanished from his sight, he stared at where it had been, hoping that by some miracle it would return. Then he felt a slight tremor in the floor beneath him. He glanced at the glass of water he had been drinking from, which was on a nearby table. Seconds later, it spread into several ripples. Dr. Malcolm's fears had been realized. He was trapped again and his last escape had just flown away. They were all trapped.


	4. Chapter 4

1_Disclaimer: My prolonged absence from this fic. does not imply that I own it. If it did to you, I apologize, for you are gravely mistaken. I no more own this than I do the weather, but I do own all three movies if that counts. _

**Chapter 4**

"What was that?" Pastor Maer asked as expressions of fear covered the other faces, save Hammond's.

"That would be one of our main attractions," Hammond said enthusiastically. "Come this way, slowly now." Only Hammond and the Pastor moved at all. The others stood as still as statues. Lex and Time were whimpering and Dr. Sattler clung to Dr. Grant in fear. Of Pastor Maer's companions, Hammond seemed to be the only one who had not lost his nerve.

"Are they all right?" Maer asked.

"Oh, yes, they're fine. It's probably an after effect of the helicopter ride. They didn't wear seatbelts, you know."

"What are you going to tell his Parish if he dies? Will you brush it off as another boating accident?" Ian challenged, careful not to let his anger bring him to folly. He was a statue.

"I assure you, Dr. Malcolm, we are perfectly safe here and I do not appreciate you frightening my new associate," Hammond's tone turned toward anger to match Malcolm's.

"Don't worry, Mr. Hammond. I'm quite accustomed to Dr. Malcolm's proclivity to worry excessively."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Therefore, once again, my advice will go unheeded and there will be seven graves on this island," Ian muttered, more to himself than to Hammond or Maer, whose backs were turned and slowly slipping out of sight into the other room. Another tremor knocked the whole room into silence.

"There he is!" They heard Hammond exclaim from the next room. Maer gasped in awe.

"How, how?"

"Be careful not to move," Malcolm warned, assuming the worst: that a T-rex lurked outside the small building.

"He's huge! Look at those teeth! This is amazing! How did you do it? Are there others?" Malcolm could only hope that Maer's voice was the only part of his anatomy that was moving. Finally an impact tremor shook the house and another, and another, until they faded into a distant rumble. A collective breath was released and the room came to life. Dr. Malcolm and Alan Grant locked eyes.

"Call the helicopter," Malcolm said in a voice so low Grant could hardly hear. "We are getting out of here."


End file.
